Friday, September 19, 2008

Inside the mind of a compulsive eater

I'm having a bad day. That only means one thing in my mind... EATING.

Part of the reason I'm writing this blog to to give someone out there an insight into the mind of someone like me. Most of the people around me fail to stop and think about why or how I am like this. I'm making myself highly vulnerable here and now to hopefully shed some light on what goes on inside my head. Maybe too, I'll be able to find someone out there who experiences the same.

Wake up this morning... I can barely swallow. I cringe every time I try to swallow. It's going to be a long day. My new kitten has crapped on her bed, spilled her water and food. And I was running late to begin with. Eighty two unanswered emails at work. It's already begun. Rush to get it all down, double check to make sure its all right... It's not its wrong. I'm an idiot. And it was confirmed publicly by my boss. Cry in the bathroom.

This is when the stress becomes too much, and the food cravings begin. The thought process goes a little something like this...

"I can't believe he said that. I can't take much more today. I'm trying my best.... I smell pizza. Dammit! I just want to be home. On the couch. TV on. Dog at my feet. Pizza. Large pizza. Chinese food would be good too. Damn, I have the baby this weekend. He brings snacks with him. I'm so pissed! I suck at my job. I want chocolate. I want a new job. Chocolate first....."

Why in my time of stress and frustration does food come to mind? It's my drug. Some people turn to cigarettes, booze, drugs, I turn to food. I have a comfortable place, that is far away from crying in the bathroom, where I feel safe. It's at home, on that couch, with food. Food it the key here. I'm not even hungry, but I feel like the only way to release the emotions and stress is by the taste of pizza.

Now, many well meaning friends and family will say things such as:

"You should try meditation"
"Prayer is the only thing that will help"
"Get out of the bathroom and go for a jog around the building"
"Eating isn't going to help. Try a xanax"

Again, all of these people are well meaning. But those are all things that help them. I don't understand how these things bring them comfort, just the same as they don't understand how food brings me comfort. I wish so much that they would stop themselves short of speaking to me and just keep their advice to themselves. The more ridiculous advice I get, the more alienated I feel, and the more I want to be alone with food.

The key here is to be alone. I want to be closed off from the judgemental eyes of the world. I go to any length to cover up my eating, for fear my neighbors see me bringing it in the house, or the empty boxes in the garbage can. I'll even pretend to call an imaginary roommate to dinner, so the delivery guy doesn't judge me or the $30 worth of Chinese food he's has for me.

Much like a drug addict or alcoholic, I will hide my binging. I will lie about my binging. I will spend money I don't have in order to binge. I will get a euphoric high from the binging. Most of the time I feel so alienated from the world that I wish I were a drug addict or alcoholic. Because then maybe people will understand. People seems to have that understanding about those abuses. No one understands food addiction. At least, no one I know understands food addiction. And that only makes it worse.


Cindy said...

Hi Nash,
I found your blog through your comment on AFG. Best wishes in your battle for your life. Starting a blog is very brave and being honest with yourself is even braver. Keep it up. I'll be checking in to read what you are thinking/sharing. No, you are not alone. And yes, that is a huge relief, when we discover that...
Best wishes!

Anonymous said...

I agree 100% about food addiction and how people don't understand it and don't think it exists. Anyone who is overweight and wants to lose weight but just can't help themselves can tell you it is an addiction. I personally feel like food is my addiction. I was thinking on the way home from work a few days ago that I think about food the way men supposedly think about sex every few seconds. I'll have those cheetos or that piece of cake or that lasagna when I know I'm not hungry and I know I'm not supposed to eat it and that I will feel guilty but I just can't stop myself and when I'm eating I feel good and happy and when the food is gone I want more. I understand. You're not the only one, trust me!

Natasha said...

I can relate. I use to hit up the mcdonalds drive thru and order 2 cokes just so they wouldnt think ALL that food was for me

Anonymous said...

What you are saying sounds so difficult, such a hard thing to go through alone and unsupported. It made me think of a good friend I lived with who would go to "overeaters anonymous" meetings. At the time I didn't really understand what this would be useful for by your post mad me see it in a new way.You write well, and even though I have never been there, I can relate to it. Keep writing!